Feeling Versus Doing

It's Holy Week. On Saturday, I'll take the Eucharist.

I feel like I should feel different, more pure and more ready.

The hardest thing I've had to learn during this process has been that even if I don't feel something, I need to do it anyway. I need to pray everyday, even if I feel like I'm talking to myself. I need to read the Bible, even if the words seem empty. I need to be kind, even when all I want to do is spit in my customer's coffee and scream at my co-workers. And most of all, I need to go to Mass, even when I'm tired and crabby.

When the feeling doesn't come first, the action can bring it. Last Sunday, I was exhausted, I had a cold, and I had worked until 1 AM the night before. I did not want to go to Mass, at all. But I got up, I did it. While the priest was preparing the Eucharist, and we were singing "Lamb of God", by far my favorite song we sing, I burst into tears. I'm not much of a crier, and certainly not in public. But I could not stop weeping. Something about the words of the song got into me. I think it was the realization that yes, yes, He is the Lamb of God and I need His mercy. I believed these things before, but for the first time, I felt it almost physically inside the chambers of my heart.

I hope that something similar happens on Saturday. I just hope I don't cry too hard. I am still not entirely over embarassment.